Sunday, 19 February 2012

@Phil : Story Idea III

 Hello Phil,

Thank you for your feedback with regards to my OGR. You were right. There was no story at all. I have written a new story. It did take me a while but now I have an idea in my mind and will get everything done quickly =)
Here is the new story. Please let me know what you think of it and if I should go ahead with it.
Thank you =D

 Tar is a mannequin who was kept in a shop display at Spirit Street in Disc City. She was loyal and stood there every day for three years. However, she got old and her beauty began to fade. Her body was getting weaker with age. It was only a matter of time when the shopkeeper was fitting her with some new garments that her left arm snapped off. That was it. The next thing she knew, she was flung outside into the alleyway and replace by a younger, prettier model. The fall was hard. It caused Tar to break his jaw.
She lay there for a night. Wallowing in self pity. When the sun shone on her the next day, she had a dawning realization. It only occurred to her that she was free. She could do whatever she wanted to do.
She looked over to his right. Across the street was a restaurant. She had been looking at it for the past three years, wondering what it would feel like to eat like the humans did. And now, she could.
First, she needed to clean herself up. She couldn't make an appearance into the human realm for the first time and look the way she did. She scavenged the dumpster in the alleyway where she lay and found an old coat and scarf to cover herself with. She then needed something to attach her arm to. All she could find was a fairly long piece of string. It was attached to a red stick. That would have to do for now. She managed to attach her broken arm to the rest of her body using the string. The red stick made her arm longer but she didn't have a choice.
With the coat on and the scarf covering the lower part of her face, Tar crossed the street and entered the restaurant.

It was magnificent. The smells were nothing like she had encountered before. It all felt so beautiful. Tar sat down at a table. It had a book on it. It was place between a candle that had a beautiful golden flame. She couldn't read what was written in it but there were pictures in the book that seemed good enough. After a while, a young woman arrived at her table to ask her what she wished to eat. Tar pointed at a few pictures, hoping she could communicate. The waitress understood her perfectly. She told Tar that her food would be with her soon.

Tar waited.

The time after the food arrived was all a blur to Tar. She fed herself through the opening created by the fall that broke her jaw. Each time she ate, she felt a surge of euphoria. After a while, she realized the people around her were staring at her. She wondered why. There was no sign that said "No Mannequins Allowed". It then hit her that she was taller than when she arrived at the restaurant. The food was causing her to grow! She couldn't stop herself though. She continued eating. With each bite, she grew bigger and taller.
After her meal was done, she was more than halfway between the ceiling and the ground. By this time, most of the people in the restaurant had left. Tar guessed it was because they were jealous.
She saw the waitress walk towards her with an uncomfortable look. Tar panicked. She needed to leave. She stood up to walk out of the door but she had grown so tall that her head hit the chandelier in the ceiling. It had the same candles that were placed on the table. The chandelier rocked away from Tar's face and was swinging back towards her. With reflex, she put her left hand up to catch it before it hit her in the face. She heard a sizzling sound. The air filled up with a strange and heavy smell. There was smoke. Her arm suddenly felt very hot. Tar looked down at her arm and saw that the piece of string had caught fire. The flame was about to touch the red stick. There was no time to think. The next thing Tar felt was a surge of energy as her arm exploded into a thousand tiny pieces and took the roof of the restaurant down with it.

Tar woke up in the alley across the restaurant. She looked down at her arm and saw emptiness there. She knew that she should feel sorrow and anger but all she felt was satisfaction. She had eaten food. She had tasted the love that the humans created for each other. She was content. She had eaten so much that she felt like she would explode. And she had.


  1. You always come up with some amazing stuff, and good to see that you are still alive. Have you started your story board yet? As remember to do that before you start on the final thing. Me and loud are doing like a sketch jam for story boards as we need to finish ares, we are doing this after the film today and hopefully again Tuesday though in the morning :) this is just to bash a few ideas off of each other, you are more than welcome to join us if you need to do yours still :)

  2. Hey Urvashi - this doesn't work - at least the idea of the mannequin having spent years looking at a restaurant DOES work, because the idea is so nice - but everything else - that crams in Alice-style body growth and then the not very convincing use of the stick of dynamite - is just too nutty (and too much for one minute). I think you need a simpler, leaner, more honest story - it did occur to me that maybe the dynamite is used to demolish something - maybe the department store, or maybe the restaurant - maybe the mannequin is freed somehow by the demolition of the dept. store? I just think you need to concentrate on getting a clear story told. Your writing reminds me a little of someone using Photoshop for the first time and just throwing every kind of filter at an image... calm it down - and refer back to the briefing presentations for some guidance.